Lonely Hearts
by Souffle'd
Summary: Valentines Day is not always the happiest time in the lands of Boletaria, Lordran and Drangleic, but this year, a new TV program offers a chance at love in the hostile and unforgiving world of Souls. Rated T for themes of Sexual Confusion, Implied Hentai and PS4 exclusivity.


**Lonely Hearts**

"From the creator of Inquisition Time and Judge Rude comes an all-new program focused around the trials and tribulations of finding love in a hostile and inhospitable land. Presented by none other than the lovely Lucatiel of Mirrah, the Souls TV network is proud to present...

Lonely Hearts!"

The spotlights burst into life, illuminating the stage as a modified version of Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up was pumped through the speakers.

In the middle of the stage, decorated by a gilded red carpet, was a large stone coffin, propped up so as to face the audience. As the music died down to a hush, the coffin creaked and slid open, with a familiar hat-wearing knight stepping forth.

"Good evening everyone!" Lucatiel cried, her voice resonating at a much deeper volume than usual. "Welcome to the sh- Wait! What's happened to my voice? I sound like my brother!"

Indeed, Lucatiel now boasted the vocal talents of a young man. Yet, that was not her most startling feature.

"Where are meh tittehz?" she shrieked, clasping at the thin air in front of her chest where her jugular attachments should have been located. "And why is there a freaking shortsword shoved down my trousers?"

By now, the studio audience were in fits of laughter. One of Lord Aldia's failed experiments, lovingly known amongst certain circles of the Soulsverse as 'Hippo Fatties', cried gleefully in a thick Austrian accent.

"Woman turn! She have penis now! Hur hur hur!"

Lucatiel shook her head in disbelief, muttering under her breath. "I knew I should have taken that mining job with Tseldora..."

Coughing abruptly, she returned her focus to the task at hand. "Tonight on Lonely Hearts, the show in which we attempt to matchmake the so-called 'undateable' members of our society, we have three very special guests. Firstly, lets all give a tentative round of applause to everyone's favourite fucker, Patches the Hyena!"

The audience exploded into uproar as the smug bald git strode out onto the stage, his eagle shield slotted onto his back. Petrus of Thorolund stood up from his seat and threw a Corrosive Urn in Patches' direction, only to miss and have it explode across the face of one of the cameramen.

"My eyes!" the Old Hero exclaimed, palms across his seared oculars. "Fuck! I just got contact lenses, man!"

As a group of New Londo Ghosts took him away on a stretcher, Patches took a seat, only to have a massive ripple of sound emerge from under his bum-cheeks.

"Oh yes!" he exclaimed in his squeaky voice, scowling as the audience burst into mocking laughter. "A whoopee cushion, how original! Well, just wait until you realise that I urinated in the Estus keg that you've all been drinking!"

A riot broke out in the audience that was only settled when a Mindflayer bouncer started to spuriously ring its bell, leading to a flood of fear that silenced all discord from the crowds.

Lucatiel turned to Patches and started to read from the cue cards behind her. "So, Mr... Trusty? Is that really your first name?"

"Legally, yes," Patches nodded. "I had my birth name changed after I was bullied at school."

Lucatiel's eyes lit up at the potentiality for a trashy psychiatric moment. The critics would go wild for it!

Clearing her throat to the encouragement of studio executives in her ear, she asked "Would you tell us about your time at school, Patches?"

Patches looked down at his feet as the repressed memories of Izalith High School came flooding back. The hot coal wedgies... The magma swirlies... Being rejected by Quelagg at the Senior Prom...

"I'd rather not," Patches professed, leading to Lucatiel sighing heavily.

"Very well. So, tell us about you, Patches. What makes you tick?"

Patches was thoughtful. "Mostly, its assisting clerics on their journeys. Nothing brightens my day more than helping them find a big stack of treasure, or moving a bridge to give them a free-falling lesson."

The audience began to rile up again, but another peal of the Mindflayer's hypnotic bell was enough to shut them up.

"Okay," Lucatiel replied, uninterested. "So, we've lined up three mystery dates for you. Their voices will be disguised with a modulator. We'll let them introduce their interests, and then you can ask any of them questions. At the end, we'll ask you to pick your favourite one to then go on a date with!"

A curtain at the back was pulled up to reveal three silver booths with doors marked numerically and by yellow question marks.

"Bachelorette number 1, please!" Lucatiel called.

A voice from inside booth 1 answered. "Hi. My interests include long walks on the beach, breakfast in bed, and making love to a romantic, spontaneous partner!"

Patches immediately responded. "Not this one. I think she might be a cleric or something... bless her heart."

A vat of toxic waste was tipped over booth 1, with the bachelorette's dying screams silenced by Lucatiel's summons for the second candidate.

"Hello. My interests include spreading the Cleric faith throughout Drangleic, and tricking cursed undead into paying for rotundas that they don't need!"

Patches rubbed his chin. "Hmm. She's quite tempting. Let's hear number 3."

The third voice answered. "Hi there. My interests include illusions, sunbathing and paternal necrophilia."

"I'll take number 3!" Patches exclaimed gleefully.

An excitable tune was played through the speakers as booth 2 was filled with acid, and the curtain was raised on booth 3.

Patches, who was revved up with the concept of meeting a desirable young lady, rushed to see his new date as the curtain ascended. However, his glee soon turned to gall as a collection of tentacles shot out from booth 3, snaring him.

"Hey lover," Gwyndolin giggled, constricting the struggling Patches inside his phallic appendages.

"Lets give our latest couple a round of applause!" Lucatiel cheered, watching as Gwyndolin took his captive date through the back doors and out of the building, Patches screaming all the way.

"There's gonna be some calamari cooking tonight!" she quipped, prompting first laughter and then disgust from the audience, as their thoughts were turned to awful hentai videos they had been dared to watch in their youths.

As the show took a commercial break, the crowds launched into an excited debate on who the next contestant would be. One of them, a robed Chaos sorcerer with his head bowed started to chuckle maniacally, his pyro glove going into overtime upon his crotch.

As the advert depicting low-calorie Soul Memory yoghurt came to a close, the curtain rose anew upon Lucatiel, who quickly dropped her pack of cigarettes in alarm.

"And we're back!" she cried. "Our next guest hails all the way from Boletaria. Please give a warm welcome to Garl Vinland!"

The silver paladin walked out on stage to a huge bout of applause. He was considered by many to be the best boss battle in the entire trilogy. He gave a slight bow and took his seat, placing his enormous hammer on a coat rack.

"So, Garl..." Lucatiel began, idly texting on her phone as she spoke. "Tell us about yourself..."

Garl cleared his throat. "Well, I'm Garl Vinland. Not to be associated with Velstadt, the Royal Aegis. I assure you, he was copy and pasted from me - not the other way around. Anyway, so I had this thing for this girl... A pretty lass, named Astraea... I suppose you all know the rest..."

Tears were sprung in plenty amongst crowd members as they recalled the lore of the Valley of Defilement. Tissues popped down from overhead machines.

Lucatiel, on the other hand, was graced with a traditional showbiz shit-eating grin. "A story that ended in with one of the most tragic friend-zonings in history, as Garl's beloved Astraea chose instead to sleep with the Old One, mounting his knobbly branch and riding into the sunset."

Garl tensed as the conclusion of his story was related in such a brusque manner. "Indeed."

"Well, fret no more, Garl. We're here to put an end to your womanly woes. Our three bachelorettes!"

The three booths, now purged of their previous owners, were revealed once more.

The first bachelorette, with a voice like grating metal, spoke up. "I'n just your atypical bad girl. I like BDSM, disguising my gender and slaying noobs with my greatsword."

The second, with a slightly-more feminine voice, was next. "I am a queen in my own right. I'm looking for a new hubby to soak with in my poison sauna."

The final bachelorette's voice was barely audible, sounding muffled as though it were emerging from inside a sack. "I like meat. Me eat man. Tasty."

Garl seemed to shrink a couple of inches into seat as hundreds of expectant gazes landed his way.

"I'm not quite sure that any of these lovely ladies is quite my thing..." he stuttered.

"Too bad," Lucatiel retorted. "You have to choose, or Gerald here will choose for you..."

A large Aldian creation with a venomous scorpion's tail lumbered out of the shadows, sniggering monstrously.

"Fine," Garl sighed. "I'll take Number 1."

The Lost Sinner, in all of her ass-piercing glory, stepped from Booth One. The audience applauded as the couple walked off-stage, only to be stopped by a pair of Jester gear-wearing attendants.

"Our gift," one sniggered, offering the Sinner an Old Whip and a jar of Aromatic Ooze.

Garl swallowed the rock in his throat and followed his chosen lover out of the building.

Lucatiel leapt to her feet, microphone facing the wrong way in her hands.

"After the break, we'll be talking to our final bachelor. Stay tuned! You don't want to miss it!"

The next commercial started to play, this time depicting the upcoming Scholar of the Second Sin, the re-release of the re-release of Dark Souls 2, this time exclusively for the Wii U.

"We've done some really cool new things with the hardware of the Wii U that none of the other consoles could ever have done," Yui Tanimura explained, appearing on screen dressed in a tuxedo. On first appearances, Yui simply appeared to be fat, but closer inspection showed that he was over encumbered by large wads of money stuffed inside his suit.

"We've added new story content, including flashbacks to the betrayal of the Rat King and a new weapon, the Ratty Longsword, which is not a furry retexture of a normal Longsword at all. Soul Memory has now been increased in power, allowing Level 1 players to be invaded by Level 700 Havelmonsters, Day One. Also, with the new power of the Wii U's driving wheel, we have added new driving segments with the Executioners Chariot, and Mario is available as a white phantom summon for the final boss."

"Pre-orders available now!" Lucatiel concluded, smiling thinly. "Now, everyone give a warm welcome to our final guest... Kalameet, the Black Dragon!"

The entire roof was blown into tatters as the enormous reptile made its entrance. The audience were hushed into a terrified silence, and Kalameet, angered by their lack of applause, turned his bloody-red eye upon the audience, sending many of them flying out of their seats by the power of psychokinesis.

"Welcome!" Lucatiel greeted, completely ignoring the plight of the audience. "They say you are the last of the ancient dragons, Kalameet. If this is so, what do you expect to get out of today?"

Kalameet returned his attention to the cameras, bearing them a toothy grin. "I have heard stories of the petite red wyverns of Drangleic... I'm not looking for a relationship or any of that stupid shite, just a quick hook-up."

"We can certainly provide," Lucatiel grinned. "So, I have to ask, Kal, how did you feel about being left out of Dark Souls 2?"

"I'm not going to lie," Kalameet replied. "It made me physically sick. The way that From treated us was unacceptable. I was sitting by the phone every day, waiting for them to call. I've had to take voice work jobs... I mean, I played a character on The Simpsons for fucks sake!"

The audience, previously muted by paralysing fear, now erupted with a chorus of gasps. Yurt the Silent Chief leapt out of his seat in uproar, cleaving the heads off both of the guests on either side of him as he stormed away.

"That's rough," Lucatiel nodded. "But anyway, on with the show. Our three bachel-"

Lucatiel was silenced as the door of the recording studio was thrown off of its hinges. Every light in the room flickered off as a cold wind blew through the room.

As the power slowly returned to the room, the audience all crying out in alarm, a light above the exploded studio doorframe illuminated a tall, dark figure. He wore a brown waistcoat with an upturned collar. His boots, clad by leather, clacked upon the wooden floor as he walked, cocking his blunderbuss in one hand and extending his saw-blade cleaver to full length in the other.

Kalameet, dazed by the blackout, now focused his attention on the new figure, snarling with fury as he approached.

"Who or what are you?" he boomed.

The figure paused, looking up at the bloodthirsty reptile looming over him.

"I am a hunter of Yharnam," he proclaimed, seconds before hefting his gun towards Kalameet and shooting him in his scaly head.

As the black dragon recoiled, the hunter leapt up through the air with supernatural agility, mounting Kalameet's bloodied face and sticking his hatchet straight through the reptile's skull.

"What is the meaning of this?" Lucatiel exclaimed, watching as the hunter leapt off of Kalameet's now-limp body.

The hunter turned to the camera, shaking the droplets of blood from his coat.

"Only on Playstation 4," he said, allowing a sly smile to cross his face.

Author's Note: Thanks for reading everybody. This fic is dedicated to the memory of ParagonEmil, a contributor of great value to this community who is sorely missed. This was always the kind of schlocky rubbish you loved, so I hope you enjoy it, scrub ;) Hopefully I'll be back to writing by the time Bloodborne is released!


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